Dear Gut: An Internal Memo About Apple Cider Vinegar
July 6, 2020
I hope you had a happy Fourth of July weekend. I wanted to send you this internal memo from up here in our head because I know you will be proud of me for not being Joey Chestnut or Miki Sudo. He ate 75 freakin’ hot dogs and she ate 48 1/2, and as usual they won the men’s and women’s competitions at the annual Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest on Coney Island in Brooklyn. There were no fans because of COVID-19, but trust me it happened.
In his 13th victory speech, Chestnut told ESPN: “It was hard, but I knew I was fast at the beginning. The dogs were cooked really well today. I hit a wall (at the end). At minute 6 is where I missed the crowd. I hit a wall. It took a little more work to get through it.” And she added: “I feel great. I'm sure the physical effects will kick in in a little bit.”
I know what you’re thinking, Gut. You have another of your "feelings." You’re like, ‘Great, just when I was starting to shrink and really enjoying life here in your core, you’re going to replace both of your empty gas tanks for the grill and make 75 hot dogs.’ You’re like Nelly rapping in “Heart of a Champion”:
My last stance be a stance of a general custard I hot dog cause I can, I got the cheese and mustard
Come on, Gut. Have some faith! You know we’re the brains up here! I’m not about to indulge like they did. Have you never heard of Apple Cider Vinegar? That’s what I wanted to write you about. It has been around forever, but according to Havasu Nutrition it is on fire, and if anything, we are going to try to break the world ACV healthy living record.
Gut, I am sending this internal memo as a reply to the one you sent a few weeks ago about your bacteria. I know you have some concerns about some unhealthy elements in your midst. You said to “eliminate unhealthy bacteria ASAP” and I am listening because we are all ears up here. By the way, did you know that the same word “gut” in German means “well” in English? OK, sorry for that, we are loaded with info up here. About Apple Cider Vinegar . . . they say it does practically everything, and especially everything you want down there, Gut.
Here are just 10 benefits of Apple Cider Vinegar that you should know about:
1. Gives the body a good dose of enzymes 2. Increases potassium intake 3. Supports a healthy immune system 4. Helps with weight control 5. Promotes pH balance in the body 6. Sides with healthy digestion 7. Adds good bacteria for the gut and immune function 8. Helps remove “sludge toxins” from the body 9. Soothes skin and helping keep it healthy 10. Heals acne when used externally
Did you see No. 7? THAT’S YOU, GUT! Apple Cider Vinegar not only helps eliminate unhealthy bacteria, but it also actually adds “good bacteria” for you! Are you happy or what? Best Reviews on Amazon called Havasu Nutrition’s Apple Cider Vinegar “one of the five best body cleanses,” and they said this about ACV in general:
“If you want a simpler natural cleanse, the diverse benefits of apple cider vinegar come in pill form without the harsh taste or upset stomach from acidity side effects one gets from drinking it. . . . Should be used daily with exercise and a good diet.”
We can do this. It’s way better than stuffing you with 75 hot dogs, or even 48 1/2. Can you just imagine what Miki Sudo’s gut was telling her when she got to 48 1/2? “THAT OTHER HALF IS NOT COMING DOWN HERE!” They soak the dogs and buns with pitchers or water to try to make them slide down faster, but you are not having it. You want the good stuff. That’s why we are turning you on to Apple Cider Vinegar, Gut. You deserve it. You were always there for us, when she tried to give us that green Gerber spinach stuff. You were there for us in college when we ordered pizzas every night and made you throw up at a few bars.
Gut, we love you. You’ll see it, too. Apple Cider Vinegar lowers our blood sugar, and it gently cleanses your intestines and our liver while promoting better circulation. That all helps you in the long run. We’re talking zero bloat and a flatter tummy.
Some people are doing the seven-day ACV juice cleanse. People are searching for “ACV Detox” and “Apple Cider Vinegar Cleanse” like crazy. You don’t care about that, but we do up here, where the brains are. We are analysts and we look for healthy trends. You know what we always say: “We think so you don’t stink.” My goal is to keep you happy, which is why we also give you Advanced Prebiotic & Probiotic Capsules, but that’s another memo.
I thought you should know about the ACV capsules, because each one contains 500 mg of pure apple cider vinegar. This supplement is formulated with Cayenne Pepper, which contains capsaicin that can support reduced appetite, healthy metabolism, healthy digestion and lowered blood pressure. A clinical study says it helps with weight loss. There’s even a version of Apple Cider Vinegar Gummies “with the mother,” which a lot of people ask about. This stuff is right up your alley, Gut!
Now you can see why vinegar has been around for centuries. The ancient Greeks even treated wounds with it. Maybe Alexander the Great would have lived longer had he taken this, who knows. His own Gut failed him in the end . . . or maybe it was poison. He was only 32. Had he taken care of his Gut the way he took care of that copy of Homer’s Iliad, he might have conquered even more land, but then again, his legend might not have taken off the way it did.
Now we have the legendary conquerors of hot dogs in Joey Chestnut and Miki Sudu. I hope they have long and happy lives, but hey, to each their own. I promise that you will not have to worry about 75 hot dogs coming down our throat to you to deal with. Ever. Not our Fourth of July weekend style. We have much better news. You are going to get a daily Apple Cider Vinegar capsule, and all your bacteria will be dancing a happy dance. Please write back soon!